Have you ever been in a social situation where you just think: “how is this happening? How did my life turn into this television show where I don’t want to be part of.” Well, that’s what’s happening to me right now.
You see, there’s this boy I used to like but he liked my best friend so the feelings slowly faded away. I know that my best friend has a boyfriend so I wasn’t jealous of her but since he felt that way about her I told myself nothing was going to happen and went on. But he was never far away, I’d still text him back if he woke me up in the middle of the night, I calmed him down when he was freaking out about something, I listened to him when he talked about her. I loved seeing him in love because I had never seen him like that before. In the meantime everyone of my friends knew how I felt about him.
So two weeks ago he came clean to my best friend and told her how he felt. She turned him down since she already had a boyfriend. But today was when everything blew up. This afternoon an other friend proclaimed that she was in a relationship with the same boy that I liked. The boy I had told her repeatedly that I liked him.
The first thing that popped into my head was: how is this possible? they’ve only known each other for less then a month.
The second thing was: why her?
Now, I didn’t mean it in a hateful way of why her I’m much better. I meant it in a hurt way of why was I not good enough. You see, my biggest fear is ending up alone and the last two years haven’t been to kind to me. I got hurt a lot and combined with my anxiety I have come to a point where relationships can only end bad. I want to find someone, I do, but some part of my brain is constantly telling me that it’s never going to get that. That I’ll never find the one. It’s been causing a lot of sleepless and lonely nights and daily concerns me. I know that it’s irrational since I’m only 20 and that I’ll find someone someday. It’s just getting harder and harder to get those thoughts out of my head. Especially now. I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty heartbroken over this. But I’m getting ice cream, wine and a good movie.
Somehow and in some time, I’ll be okay… And everyone out there who feels the same way, I know you’ll be okay too.