A defeating blow

Today the worst thing I could imagine happened. The one I thought would always be there to love me and support me no matter what, didn’t. My mother confirmed all my fears. The fear of not succeeding in this life, of failing, of never being good enough. The person I thought who would always say that it’s okay, just said that it’s not and that she’s scared I’ll fail later on in life and with the exam results coming up I’m more stressed out then I ever was before.

It started when she asked if I wanted to go out for a walk, after spending the whole day dragging boxes and walking around at the place I work, my feet were sore so I didn’t really feel like it. I just wanted to settle down and relax for a bit. After she kept pushing and me constantly saying no, she stormed off to go outside only to come back a bit later, still fuming. We proceded to have an argument as I thought it was pretty unfair that she would get mad about something so little since she knew my feet were sore. That’s when she said that I could use any excercise I could get. That’s when it hit me, why she was pushing and getting angry, she thought I was fat.

Now in an earlier post I already adressed this isue and how close it is to my heart. So at that moment, I couldn’t deal with her anymore and went upstairs. She came after me and proceded to tell me how she thinks I will fail later in life and that I have no foundations what so ever to survive in the future. Confirming every doubt I had had in these last weeks, even months. She was always the person I felt I didn’t have to prove anything to, that she had my back and believed in me, unlike so many other of parent figures in my life. The one who at least understood that I was still finding my own path and myself even if she doesn’t always agree with the choices I make and doesn’t just forgive every mistake I made. And now it’s all gone.

Is this real? Have I dissapointed the only person I thought I could never alienate? Am I really such a big screw-up that even my own mom has serious doubts? Am I making so many bad choices? Until now I thought that ,even though me and my life aren’t perfect, at least I was doing kind of fine. But that view totally shattered today. My mom broke my heart today, more than anyone ever did. I just don’t know how to recover from that right now. It feels like my solid rock just became water.

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