Inexplicable him

I am writing this on the 5th of June at literally 3 AM. Why I’m posting it a month later? Because she asked me to keep it a secret until after the exams and she’s my best friend. Do I want her to be happy? Yes. Does it break my heart? Absolutely…

Have you ever been head over heels in love with someone and you don’t even know why? He is annoying and stubborn and a pain in the ass… But you’re in love, crazy in love. I have. As a matter of fact, I am in love with that bastard right now. The only problem is that he’s in love with my best friend … and she’s in love with him too.

Let me paint the picture a bit more clearly here. I met this boy in oktober 2015. The start of our ongoing love-hate-relationship. From the beginning I had these feelings for him, something I can’t explain, I was drawn to him. Even though he’s an asshole and he has hurt me more times then I care to remember, I keep coming back to him. Although it wasn’t until oktober 2016, a year later, that I realized I was in love with him. Since I didn’t want to be in love with him I tried to shake it off, tried to get interested in someone else and it seemed to work for a while. Until it didn’t anymore. You see, whatever I did, no one could compare to him, no one could replace him.

In the summer of 2016 he met my soon-to-be-best friend, she was already dating someone else at that point and they quickly became very good friends. They started meeting up weakly and in november 2016 he realized he had feelings for her. Since she already had a boyfriend he never confessed it to her. Just to me. On a certain day on the Easter Break we met and he confessed his love for her and I confessed my love for him. I made him believe that I was over it. Then one day, he couldn’t keep it in anymore and told my best friend about his feelings. She turned him down since she was still in a relationship.

But then the dynamics changed when her boyfriend broke up with her. That happened about two months ago. So now the knows that he’s in love with her and that I’m crazy about him and she always said that she didn’t have any feelings for him except platonic friendship. Until today.
Today she texted me that she does have feelings for him, romantic feeling, but that she doesn’t want to act on them until I’m over him. I don’t want that. I want her to be happy but most of all, I want him to be happy. And I know that she will make him happy.

You see, the thing is that I can’t be selfish when it comes to him. I can’t know that he could be happy in a heartbeat and purposely stop him. So I told her to tell him, that I would be okay. I am going to be okay, someday. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next week, but it will happen. I just don’t want to be the person standing in their way. Of course, it hurts like hell. I am completely broken. I also told her that I would need some time to deal with this and that it wouldn’t be the best thing to hang out with just us three for a while. She understood and asked me to keep it a secret until she told him after the exams. I agreed.

So here I am, it is almost 4 AM. I can’t sleep because he’s all I can think about, them together, he smiling at her like he’s the happiest man on the planet. I can’t sleep because I’m holding in a secret that’s burning me up inside. So this is my way of letting it out. And I’m publishing this when the time is right. On 5 July, when he will supposedly know everything and my heart wil break all over again.

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